[more]

i've been reflecting a lot these last two weeks, more so this most recent one. introspection often leads one of two directions. for some, it leads to hubris, a false sense of self. for the others, it leads to humility, a real look into what's really inside.

when everything is said and done and the final chapter of my life is written, what will others have to say about me? what is my legacy? how will i be remembered? while, these thoughts may be a bit premature to be contemplating at 25, i can't shake the necessity to consider them.

what if, at 25, my life is required of me? what will people say? i fear that most people will say my life was a tragedy. "he died too young." "he could have done more." among others are thoughts that i can easily hear people say. "he died too young with little to show for it." truth. understandably so. would i be missed? of course, there are people who would miss me. but would my life have counted? i am ashamed to honestly say, most likely not.

and so, i ask, am i the sum of my mistakes? or am i more than this? more importantly, what will those who i have interacted with have to say about me? i don't want people to say they were sorry to hear that i passed. and i certainly don't want to hear someone ever say that i couldn't be trusted.

not trustworthy, that's what i would say... a particaularly harsh rebuke to swallow. a devestatingly obvious answer to my earlier questions- what would people say about me if i were gone at age 25.

i do not want this chain. i am not asking for some hyper-spiritual emotional release. that is to say, i am not seeking someone to tell me, "you are forgiven," and then to never hear from them again. i do not seek pity.my greatest fear in life is not that i will fail financially or in the workplace. my greatest fear is failure in relationship. not merely a dating relationship. but a relationship with others, and of the utmost importance, my relationship with God.

what will my legacy be? what will they say about me when i'm gone? am i more than a good friend and a fun roommate?

when i am lying on my back i do not wish to say with my dying breath "i am more than what i look like, i am more than where i've been, i am more than what they say about me."

i am more.